There are days when I can literally feel my soul fighting with God.
I want another child now.
It feels like the right time.
I can name a dozen reasons why now would be a good time.
I know in my head that God has a plan. I know that His ways are higher. I know that He calls me to surrender my life to Him.
But I cannot… or will not… let go.
And when I cannot let go, I am miserable. I feel panicky because there is nothing I can do to change the situation. I am anxious. I am depressed.
I try to make our family grow.
I look at other options.
But right now, we believe that we are right where God wants us.
And sometimes I don’t like it.
Little by little, Jesus works on my heart. He comforts me. He makes me thankful. He helps me loosen the grip on my life. He reminds me that I “…see through a glass darkly…” (I Cor. 13:12) I cannot see the big picture. I never will.
When I start to let go…when I stop fighting…when I bring myself back under God’s authority…I can breathe again. I regain focus. Peace that passes all understanding returns.
We all have something on our life that we would like to change. I dare say that no one on this earth is completely content with themselves, their relationships, or their circumstances. It is so easy to get wrapped up in ourselves and think that the hand we are dealt is so hard and so unique.
But the truth is, even Jesus had to let go of His desires and surrender to His Father’s will. Right before He went to the cross, we begged His heavenly Father to get Him out of this.
“My Father! If it is possible, let this cup pass from Me. Yet not as I will, but as You will.”
May I desire the will of my Father above all else.