I am WORN OUT. Drained emotionally, Spiritually weary. Physically exhausted.
My hopes have soared over the possibility of another child in our home, only to come crashing down...hard.
Birth mothers are just not choosing us to parent their child. For some reason, they are not connecting with our family.
I don't get it. I have driven myself crazy asking why.
The emotional roller coaster is exhausting. I don't know how to NOT get excited when a possibility presents itself. I don't know how to move on with life without allowing thoughts of this baby to consume my thoughts, my dreams....without allowing myself to lose sleep over this child that I have never met. I don't know how to say, "Oh well, maybe next time." and just move on with my day as if my heart is not breaking.
I don't know how to not care...to be content enough to not want another child. I don't know how to let go of this dream.
...and I am not convinced that I am supposed to let go.
When these disappointments hit, I naturally question whether or not we are supposed to just drop out of the adoption process altogether. We have heard "no" dozens of times. Is God trying to tell us something? Are we just refusing to hear? Refusing to see His will? The problem is, my husband and I both feel that there is another child out there for us. I can't ignore that feeling, that desire...just like I couldn't and didn't ignore the desire to be a mom when we were trying for our first.
We don't have a peace about quitting.
Am i being stubborn? Am I refusing to surrender to God's plan for our life?
I really don't know. I am not going to pretend to know. In this moment, I just feel sad.
God sees my tears. He has promised to comfort me.
Today, I will allow Him to do just that.