This does not feel like my life.  One day, running around with my kids, moving into our house, and making plans for a fun fall.  The next, sitting in the chest surgeon's office, staring at this big black blob on a scan that was hanging out where only my vital organs should be.  Bewildered.   How the heck did this happen?  You would think with cancer that there would be some big warning signs-something leading up to the big diagnosis.  But there wasn't.  A dry cough and a little shortness of breath were the only symptoms.  

Since Oct. 8, life has been a series of never ending doctor appointments and procedures.  When they handed me discharge instructions in the hospital that included pages of future doctor appointments, I about cried.  After 1o days in the hospital, I had no desire to return 2 days later.   

Every time I go to an appointment, I can't help but look around the waiting room at the other cancer patients.  For the most part, they are old.  This is not "supposed" to happen to a healthy 41 year old non-smoker, non-drinker.  I feel out of place and nauseous by the smell of old people cologne and perfume.  (Go's ok to laugh)

The strangest thing to me is that the other patients act like all this is normal.  Like they are waiting in a dentist's office or something.  Like getting treated for cancer is part of their everyday life.  They come dressed in work clothes, getting blood drawn and injections on their lunch breaks.   

This is so incredibly far from normal for me.  This is not even close to routine. I am fighting to accept.  Fighting to keep from getting depressed.  

I dread the doctor's visits.  I just want to pretend that the last two weeks are behind me and that there is no more sickness, treatments, or procedures to endure.  Going to UT and seeing the words "cancer institute" are just a reminder that this is real.  This is happening.  And I have no choice but to keep going. 

I have no clue how to navigate this battle.   I guess no one does really.  I refuse to believe that the next X number of months is going to be all about cancer and nothing else.  I refuse to be sad every day.  I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me.  I can have joy, peace, and even patience.

The question is:  How do I experience these fruits of the Spirit when my whole world has been turned upside down?  How do I have joy when each day brings a new yucky side effect of the meds that are supposed to cure me?  How do I exhibit patience when the meds are making me feel so "on edge"?

I have lots of questions today and not many answers.  I do know that I have never been this dependent on God.  It is a really unsettling feeling to not know who will be caring for my kids 1 week from today because I may no be able to lift the baby.  This is SO MUCH bigger than me that I can't even BEGIN to figure it all out.  I think that is where I am going to see beauty. It is in my need and in my weakness that God is going to fill in the gaps.   Already, so many puzzle pieces have fallen into place without my doing anything...I will have to save details for another post.  

The puzzle is far from complete, and I am trusting that He will continue to show up for us.  

Thanks for reading friends,